Hmm... These google searches are starting to worry me...

This week people have hit me by searching "filthy manicure" and "filthy blackened feet."

I think I preferred the "whipped ass videos" to this new strange dirt fetish.... Oh, last week someone googled "disgusting eye infection pictures" and hit me... Nice...

Anyway.

My Tarte We Wish You Wealth palette should be here today. I still am not sure why I bought it. None of the colors even look interesting. But... it's huge! It has so much stuff! I hope it doesn't end up to be like Sephora's crappy Blockbuster palette.

Speaking of crap, I have to rant.

Becca Jewel Dusts. Utter CRAP. I can't believe someone would pay $22 for this. Of course, being a sucker for a sale, I bought a bunch for $5.50 when Sephora was clearing them out. I got Erzulie, Mazikeen, Feorin and Titania.

Now, here is why I think they are crap. They turn grey! You can't blend them without losing all of the pigmentation. There's really no shimmer at all. The colors are dull. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with these now. They're useless. If I wanted bland, patchy grey eyeshadow, I would have bought bland, patchy grey eyeshadow.

Don't waste your money, even if they are on clearance.

And in the same vein, Fyrinnae.

I ordered a ton of samples from Fyrinnae. They do powdered mineral type eyeshadows and other products. The colors all look really cool on the website and in the jars. Really, really cool actually, until you apply them.

They're all BLACK. Every color I ordered that wasn't metallic or bright purple goes on black. The metallics are great so far, so no complaints there. I'm sorely disappointed by the quality of these. You get what you pay for, I suppose.

Take Fyre and Ice for example. It looks amazing in the jar! But try to put it on and it's black, sooty, streaky, skanky, messy, matte garbage. It doesn't blend, it doesn't stick and the shimmer totally disappears.

Neo Universe looks like a super-glittery vibrant purple. Try to apply it and it fades to nothing. It doesn't blend, it fades and leaves weird streaks and patches. Same with Incubus, Necromantic, Wicked, et cetera... All the same. I can't even use them as liner.

I tried different bases, different brushes, my fingers, a sponge, patting, swiping, stippling, mixing with different mediums and nothing. Nothing makes these things work.

I think I'm going to make nail polish out of them.

My nails are really, really long right now. I can't decide if I like it or not. I used to keep my nails pretty long, but one would always break. I haven't broken a nail in months... I'm actually kind of happy I can grow them this long without them breaking. I will have to file them down when they become claws.

I'm wearing China Glaze Outta Bounds with Out The Door Northern Lights silver topcoat. It looks like Christmas. I'm addicted to this topcoat.

You know what sickens me?

Dove ads. You know the ones.

You know why?

Dove is owned by the company that also owns Axe.

Go watch an Axe ad.

Dove- they're just as bad as anyone else in the industry, but this time they're making you think they're doing something positive in order to get your money. They're not. They just want your money.

The China Glaze X collection looked so promising.

I got I and VIII. In the bottle VIII looks like blackened violet. It's beautiful.

On the nails it's a different story. While it only took one coat to get perfectly opaque color, it just looked black. And the formula is weird. It's runny and gooey at the same time and it's nearly impossible to get a thin, even coat. You think you only have a little on the brush, but then all of a sudden this big blob drips off the brush, seemingly out of nowhere.

I don't have the patience for that kind of crap. I gave up and used Orly (YARLY) Moondoggie instead. Much better application. I forgot what a cool color Moondoggie is. I'll have to take some pictures.

I'm willing to give VIII another try when I have more time and energy.

On the subject of a perfect manicure...

Lately I can not bring myself to get a salon manicure of pedicure. This is for two reasons.
Reason one is that I actually do a much better job myself. My last salon mani/pedi was abysmally disappointing. I don't know why I even paid them.

The second reason is paranoia. Let's face it. Hands and feet are filthy. Therefore, tools used on hands and feet are also filthy. The last few times I went to a salon (all different salons, mind you) they used tools out of a little caddy, which I assumed were sterilized. Oh boy. When I saw them use the tools they just used on me on the next person in line I nearly pissed myself.

Don't be fooled by the autoclave that is so prominently displayed in the salon. They don't use it! They didn't so much as rinse those tools they just used on you. Sure, they have an autoclave, and a sink, and alcohol and various disinfectants (or jars of colored water)... That doesn't mean they use them.

Another reason that I hate going to a salon for a mani/pedi is...

"Wan fren? Fren? Get foo se fren nail, kreeleek."

You have any idea what that says? Neither do I. That's actually a question I was asked and I had no idea how to respond. Apparently, she was asking me if I wanted a french manicure, and suggesting that I get a full set of acrylics.

When I politely declined, she started talking to the lady at the station next to her in another language. That's secret code for: Stupid white girl, she'll never know we're talking about her!

I've learned better. I do my own nails. They look better, I don't have to make small talk or tip or try to understand what the hell the tech is saying, and I know my tools are clean and used only by me.

My can't-live-without nail products:
Cuticles:
Creative Solar Oil: Your nails can't look their best if your cuticles look like hell. Plus, it smells like almond.
Creative Cuticle Eraser: Give it a week of regular use and you won't recognize your cuticles.
Creative Cuticle Remover: Use before every manicure with a metal cuticle pusher. Careful, this stuff is potent.
Stainless Steel Cuticle Pusher: Gentle and does an excellent job.

Base coat:
OPI Nail Envy Sensitive and Peeling: Best base coat ever. Dries instantly, prevents staining and wear and strengthens nails.

Top Coat:
Seche Vite and Poshe: I don't know what I would do without these. Seche dries faster, but Poshe is shinier. Dries your manicure completely in 10 minutes.

Acetone nail polish remover and large cotton balls.

Add in a crystal file and a 3-way nail buffer and there you have it. My nail essentials. I haven't felt the urge to get a "professional" manicure in ages. Think of all the money you would save if you didn't go to the salon every week.

A small tip: Creative cuticle products are great, but the polish is awful. It takes two days to dry. Literally. Even with Seche and OPI Drip Dry. It's just terrible stuff. Unless, of course, you like smudgy dented bubbly nail polish.

While I am trying to learn to love the classic Guerlain Vol de Nuit, I can't help but think it would be really cool if they released a fragrance called Vol de Mort.

It could come in a bottle like an Anna Sui, except it wouldn't have a nose.

Can you tell I've been drinking?